HEAVEN [AP] - In an unprecedented and dramatic joint press
conference, The Lord and Satan announced that they are working together as they
frantically prepare for the sudden influx of billions of souls as the nuclear
apocalypse draws near. “It’s going to be
a goddamned mess,” said The Lord at the joint media gathering with his
arch-nemesis. “You’re goddamned right,” Satan concurred.
Indeed, the magnitude of the impending influx of souls is
unprecedented. “I thought we had it bad
during World War II,” Satan said. “That’s a pitchfork in the ass compared to what’s
coming. I’ve had to build an entire wing just to accommodate all of the ones
that voted for Ill Douche.” The Lord confirmed the plan that all 60 plus
million who voted for Ill Douche will be sent to hell. “Oh, yes,” grinned The
Lord. “They’re going to be the first ones deposited in the bowels of the
Earth’s core. It’ll be funny, too - most of the dumb bastards think they’re
coming with me!”
It is expected that, in the seconds after the first nuclear bomb
lands, approximately 600,000-1,000,000 souls
will appear at the Heaven/Hell Transfer Substation located in Bayonne, New
Jersey. More souls will then arrive in increasingly large numbers. Both Satan and The Lord estimate that - at it's height - the process will involve 500,000,000-750,000,000 souls at ten minute intervals. The Lord said that he and Satan had decided to work together on the
task and chose Bayonne, the Lord said, “Because anyone who’s been there knows
it’s already on the way to Hell.”
Once in Bayonne, the souls will quickly be separated between
those going Up and those going Down.
While normally there is an appeals process, the Lord and Satan have
agreed to do away with it. “Fuck ‘em,” the Lord said, speaking of those souls
ticketed to Hell who wish to appeal the decision. “It’s just too many souls at
once - if we had an appeals process it’d take eons to get all this settled. And I’ve got better shit to do than to sit around and hear sob stories like, 'Oh, I didn't know he was really crazy; he promised to bring back the coal jobs'. I hate hearing stupid people whine. It's a weakness of mine, really.”
For his part, Satan believes he will have the harder job. “The
Lord will have, in our best estimation, about 2.5 billion souls to process
into Heaven. I get the rest,” Satan
grinned. Yet, even Satan was angry at the situation. “I’m evil, don’t get me
wrong,” Satan said. “But, that being said, how in the hell can you be happy
when an entire species willingly wipes itself out all because they didn’t want
a woman president?” Satan was also angry
at a particular soul that he will actually lose: “I had Bill Clinton!”, bemoaned
Satan. “He’d been targeted to me for
years; then this fucking election and what happened to his wife. In order to get Bayonne I had to agree to give The Lord Bill and Hillary as
a team. It’s a goddamned shame.”
While there was no official word from the Fuhrer’s White House in the immediate aftermath
of the joint press conference, Ill Douche soon tweeted, “GOD is a loser!
Bad ratings. Jumped the shark years ago. We’re going to Make Hell Great Again!”
