With the New Hampshire primaries once again at our throats, I thought it might be a good public service for me to break down the top four candidates for my readers who - if they're like me - haven't paid any attention to the campaign, save for any Saturday Night Live skits they may have seen on YouTube. I must caution that this is not an exhaustive breakdown of the four leading candidates - so I'm sure there are many more strange and dangerous ideas they are proposing that I’m leaving out. The important thing to remember is this: it really doesn't matter if you vote; and it truly doesn't matter who wins. The important thing is to be entertained by it every four years; like the Olympics without the HGH [although with Hillary Clinton, I’m not so sure].
First, on the Republican/Fascist side:
TED CRUZ - This guy is apparently a senator from Texas, although I've no idea when that happened. The last time I paid attention, Texas' two senators were Phil Gramm and Lloyd Bentsen. I think they may both be dead now. Sorry, got off on a tangent there. When I first heard 'Ted Cruz' I thought it was the former Phillies' infield prospect who went on to win a World Series with the Orioles in 1983. Turns out that was Todd Cruz. He’s not running.
As far as I can tell, Cruz would be on the right end of the political spectrum, a few paces to the right of Hitler and Ted Nugent. I think he's younger than me, which should automatically disqualify him. But I just reread the Constitution [you might want to try it for the first time, Ted] and it says you only have to be 35-years old. There's apparently some question about Ted's citizenship, but I'm pretty sure that's not the biggest reason why he shouldn't be president.
Cruz's big issue is apparently repeal of the Thirteenth Amendment. Now, he may have his numbers confused, or he may really want to repeal the amendment that abolished slavery. My guess is that's not the one he wants to repeal [although it may be the Fourteenth, which would be almost as disturbing]. He wants to repeal Obamacare, with the idea being that healthcare should only be available to those worth keeping alive.
DONALD TRUMP - This one really caught me by surprise. The last time I saw Trump he was running a beauty pageant and banging girls younger than his daughter. Trump's platform is pretty interesting - in the same way that a massive, bloody car wreck is interesting but not necessarily pleasant and is prone to make one vomit.
Among Trump’s more controversial plans: he wants a Constitutional amendment requiring women between the ages of 18-35 to wear thongs and pasties at all times; he’s calling for the construction of a wall around all Taco Bell restaurants; and he wants to ban interracial screwing in the porn industry, calling it “Fucking disgusting – literally.”
Trump is anti-abortion now, with the single exception of saving the figure of the mother – that is, he’s calling for mandatory abortions for any women between the ages of 18-35 with decent figures.
On the Democrat/Socialist side:
HILLARY CLINTON – Jesus Christ, is she still around?! Do you realize this woman has lasted longer than the Beatles and almost as long as the Rolling Stones? I thought she was still in Obama’s Cabinet or chasing her husband around the world as he promoted yet another memoir [his latest is a real hoot, called You Can’t Call it Cheatin’ ‘Cause She Reminds Me of You].
Now, it wouldn’t be Hillary if there wasn’t a group of people calling for her lynching. They seem to be really pissed about her emails while she was in the State Department. They should’ve seen her husband’s emails in the White House. Now, that’d be a good read. If I’m understanding the story correctly, she had a private server storing her emails while Secretary of State and – although none of them were marked classified at the time – all of them have since been reclassified as ‘Top Secret’, making her a felon facing nearly 294 years in prison. I think she’d serve that term just to piss off the Right.
Hillary’s big issue is that we robbed her of her rightful position as President eight years ago and we damned well better vote for her now. She promises to support most of President Obama’s policies as well as things that’ll make the Right wish that Obama could have run for a third term.
BERNIE SANDERS – I’m pretty sure this is a goof, as the Bernie Sanders I know is a 74-year old Socialist. He has some interesting ideas, including abolishing heterosexual marriage, income tax, and the Department of Defense.
No one appears more surprised [with the exception of Hillary] at Sanders’ candidacy than Bernie himself. Of course, the problem is that Sanders has no interest in being President and has no idea how to stop his own momentum. “I’m going to French-kiss a Boy Scout in Nashua,” Sanders joked when asked how he might derail his candidacy in New Hampshire. Unfortunately, for Sanders and the rest of us, that’s liable to put him over the top.
Sanders’ most controversial stance, though, isn’t even his plan to turn the United States into Norway. No, that title belongs to Sanders' call for a law that will change the name of any landmark named for’ Ronald Reagan’ to ‘That Heartless Bastard’ [i.e. “Welcome to That Heartless Bastard International Airport”]. Sanders’ law would include the renaming of Reagan’s own Presidential Library. Feel the Bern, indeed..
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