FEDERAL GOVERNMENT REPLACING FOOD STAMPS WITH ONE-TIME HAPPY MEAL BOX

The government's new Happy Meal - replacing food stamps - includes a special "surprise" that's not a toy.

In his ongoing war against the poor, United States dictator Ill Douche is replacing the federal Food Stamps Program with a one-time disbursement of a family-sized Happy Meal to each family currently receiving needed support through the long-time program.  This Happy Meal, however, will not have a toy surprise.  Instead, each Happy Meal will include a revolver with a bullet for each member of the family. "The expectation," said Douche spokesthing Sandra Huckabee, "is that after enjoying their Big Macs, fries and jumbo-size sodas, the head of the household will then shoot each member of the family with a head shot and then turn the gun on themselves."

Analysts agreed the new program does stir some controversy.  "Well, it certainly is a unique way of following up on his Fuck the Poor campaign promise," said Malcolm Schmendowitz of the Dennis Hastert School of Conservative Thinking and Boy Scout Molestation.  "It's frugal - each family member receives only one bullet. You just have to hope these people are good shots."

But Huckabee said Ill Douche was insistent that "we not waste bullets".  The idea came to Ill Douche, Huckabee said, while the fascist leader was woofing down his third Happy Meal at breakfast.  "In his infinite wisdom, His Holiness and Divine Seer of All Things True [Douche] realized that he could kill two birds - quite literally - with one stone: replace the Food Stamp Program and eliminate the poor at the same time."

McDonald's, the official White House caterer, had no comment.

HEAVEN AND HELL PREPARE FOR MASSIVE INFLUX OF BILLIONS

Satan and The Lord [right] announce at a joint press conference that they will work in tandem to handle the processing of souls at the end of the world.

HEAVEN [AP] - In an unprecedented and dramatic joint press conference, The Lord and Satan announced that they are working together as they frantically prepare for the sudden influx of billions of souls as the nuclear apocalypse draws near.  “It’s going to be a goddamned mess,” said The Lord at the joint media gathering with his arch-nemesis. “You’re goddamned right,” Satan concurred.

Indeed, the magnitude of the impending influx of souls is unprecedented.  “I thought we had it bad during World War II,” Satan said. “That’s a pitchfork in the ass compared to what’s coming. I’ve had to build an entire wing just to accommodate all of the ones that voted for Ill Douche.” The Lord confirmed the plan that all 60 plus million who voted for Ill Douche will be sent to hell. “Oh, yes,” grinned The Lord. “They’re going to be the first ones deposited in the bowels of the Earth’s core. It’ll be funny, too - most of the dumb bastards think they’re coming with me!”

It is expected that, in the seconds after the first nuclear bomb lands, approximately 600,000-1,000,000 souls will appear at the Heaven/Hell Transfer Substation located in Bayonne, New Jersey. More souls will then arrive in increasingly large numbers. Both Satan and The Lord estimate that - at it's height - the process will involve 500,000,000-750,000,000 souls at ten minute intervals. The Lord said that he and Satan had decided to work together on the task and chose Bayonne, the Lord said, “Because anyone who’s been there knows it’s already on the way to Hell.”

Once in Bayonne, the souls will quickly be separated between those going Up and those going Down.  While normally there is an appeals process, the Lord and Satan have agreed to do away with it. “Fuck ‘em,” the Lord said, speaking of those souls ticketed to Hell who wish to appeal the decision. “It’s just too many souls at once - if we had an appeals process it’d take eons to get all this settled.  And I’ve got better shit to do than to sit around and hear sob stories like, 'Oh, I didn't know he was really crazy; he promised to bring back the coal jobs'. I hate hearing stupid people whine.  It's a weakness of mine, really.”

For his part, Satan believes he will have the harder job. “The Lord will have, in our best estimation, about 2.5 billion souls to process into Heaven.  I get the rest,” Satan grinned. Yet, even Satan was angry at the situation. “I’m evil, don’t get me wrong,” Satan said. “But, that being said, how in the hell can you be happy when an entire species willingly wipes itself out all because they didn’t want a woman president?”  Satan was also angry at a particular soul that he will actually lose: “I had Bill Clinton!”, bemoaned Satan.  “He’d been targeted to me for years; then this fucking election and what happened to his wife.  In order to get Bayonne I had to agree to give The Lord  Bill and Hillary as a team. It’s a goddamned shame.”

While there was no official word from the Fuhrer’s White House in the immediate aftermath of the joint press conference, Ill Douche soon tweeted, “GOD is a loser! Bad ratings. Jumped the shark years ago. We’re going to Make Hell Great Again!”