Tuesday, February 13, 2018


The government's new Happy Meal - replacing food stamps - includes a special "surprise" that's not a toy.

In his ongoing war against the poor, United States dictator Ill Douche is replacing the federal Food Stamps Program with a one-time disbursement of a family-sized Happy Meal to each family currently receiving needed support through the long-time program.  This Happy Meal, however, will not have a toy surprise.  Instead, each Happy Meal will include a revolver with a bullet for each member of the family. "The expectation," said Douche spokesthing Sandra Huckabee, "is that after enjoying their Big Macs, fries and jumbo-size sodas, the head of the household will then shoot each member of the family with a head shot and then turn the gun on themselves."

Analysts agreed the new program does stir some controversy.  "Well, it certainly is a unique way of following up on his Fuck the Poor campaign promise," said Malcolm Schmendowitz of the Dennis Hastert School of Conservative Thinking and Boy Scout Molestation.  "It's frugal - each family member receives only one bullet. You just have to hope these people are good shots."

But Huckabee said Ill Douche was insistent that "we not waste bullets".  The idea came to Ill Douche, Huckabee said, while the fascist leader was woofing down his third Happy Meal at breakfast.  "In his infinite wisdom, His Holiness and Divine Seer of All Things True [Douche] realized that he could kill two birds - quite literally - with one stone: replace the Food Stamp Program and eliminate the poor at the same time."

McDonald's, the official White House caterer, had no comment.

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